Episode 40 - Connie Durham on Your Relationship with Your Spouse, Food, and Self

This week we are talking about all things relationships, and not just with your spouse, but also the relationship we have with food, our business, and ourself. Because our personality and natural tendencies in relationships can impact nearly every aspect of our life!

Connie Durham, a relationship transformer and host of the podcast, "The Extraordinary Marriage Podcast" brings years of experience to this episode. Connie shares the importance of becoming aware of your ups and downs in marriage and, gives you ways to find... or regain the affection and appreciation you desire, using her passion and love for families, years of experience, and the tried and true method of understanding different personalities.

In this episode, we talk about how different personality types, upbringings, and communication styles can impact our relationships and how to work through some of the challenges many of us face in our journey to a happy marriage and successful relationship with food and exercise. You don't want to miss this one!

Find more from Connie on her website and podcast and be sure to download her free training called "A Recipe for a Happy, Healthy Marriage"

You can also take the DiSC personality quiz she mentions in the episode. 

• Episode 40 Transcription

  Personality does make a difference in our emotions, how we listen or don't listen to others, how we make decisions. So let's put the two things together. Your past and your personality, they decide your perception. This is To The Nines Podcast. I am your host, Tiffany Wicks, a mom of seven who doesn't subscribe to the idea that you have to choose between your family and career.

  I am on a mission to show the stay at home mom who has lost herself in child care and co compellent and the overworked corporate holdout who isn't finding joy and purpose in their career that they can work for themselves, making an impact in an income that serves your dreams. life. After leaving my nursing career to raise our family, I needed more mental stimulation, but didn't want to give up the privilege of raising our legacy.

  I've been in network marketing now for five years. I know the strategy and mindset it takes to be successful and to live a life aligned with your values and your purpose. Join me as I share my business tips, marketing mistakes, attitude shifts you need to space out some time for you, or. Ditch your nine to five completely and start working for yourself.

  You have the power to change your life. Let's get started. This is just the beginning.

  Hey friends. Welcome back to the podcast. Today's the first Tuesday of the month, which means it's a guest interview. I'm super excited to have Connie Durham here. She is going to be talking about extraordinary marriages. Um, she, we're going to dive into a lot of things with marriage that get me spun up.

  Um, and you guys know how I can get a little, a little extra, um, when it comes to relationships, because I'm a huge relationship person, I value them. Above most any worldly thing, um, is solid relationships with a ton of loyalty. Um, maybe that's the Enneagram eight in me, but no further ado here, Connie, please introduce yourself, tell us what it is that you do.

  Um, and then we'll get into firing off some questions about how we can get our mind right with marriage partnership relationships so that we can thrive individually as a couple and as business owners. Well, thank you, Tiffany. This is my specialty is relationships. And, um, my podcast is the extraordinary marriage podcast.

  And that is where I specialize in how to overcome a lot of those things that separate many, many couples, literally just because we don't understand each other. Everybody's different. Everybody communicates different. And Tiffany, just like you're a very strong woman. Sometimes we have strong men with that same kind of personality.

  And sometimes I'm not saying Tiffany that you tell people what to do, or you tell your spouse what to do. But if you have a strong husband, a very strong minded They tend to tell you what to do and every circumstance is different. And so you have to deal with it in different ways. And I use a personality styles and many, many years of marriage experience with my husband.

  My kids got married, like three kids got married in a. 18 months. And, uh, you know, you find that families are not just alike and we all bring in our baggage, whether we mean to or not. And unless we stop to think about it, then it just keeps going and going and going. And that's why a lot of people end up in divorce court.

  You know what's really funny is that because I'm such a strong personality, everybody, and Adam is very reserved, very quiet, everybody assumes the dude is a total wuss and a pushover because I'm so strong. And it was like, oh, well, he must be the yes guy in the relationship. Okay, everybody? All ears here.

  That is not true. He is a very strong man because do you really think I would pick a guy who was a yes guy? Do you really think I would pick some limp noodle man to stand beside me? No, I wouldn't respect him. I would trample all over him and then discard him for the next woman to, to do whatever she wants, like, at my, at my worst, like, that is my personality set.

  So I need a man that can keep up with me and challenge me because if I am unchallenged, if, Like, I, I can be just a, a loose cannon, right? So that is not the truth. He is very quiet, he's very reserved. But he will challenge all kinds of things that I say. Um, but here's the thing is we have mastered the art of respect with one another.

  I respect him, he respects me. So we never cross that boundary with each other. I never, never, and I truly mean it. I never speak disrespectfully to him. If we disagree, I will tell him. I don't tell him emotions either because I think emotions lie and I tell him facts. I think we should do this, not I'm feeling like we should do things a certain way.

  So tell me, what are your thoughts about how you speak to one another to get the most out of that conversation? Without getting too emotional and then running off crying and stuff. Okay. So first I want to say that whenever, if somebody is a very strong minded, um, let's use the word dominant, uh, person, they don't want.

  A wussy. They don't want a partner who lets them get by with everything. They don't want to be able to pounce on their partner, whether it's male or female. They also want a strong partner because they don't want to run over that person. They want them to fight. They want them to speak up and tell them what's important to them.

  And what happens in couples is that many times opposites do attract. And so that strong partner does end up with that quiet person and they don't say anything. They don't fight and that strong, that strong spouse does not even realize they are crushing their partner because they are that easy going person.

  And and so whenever you are opposites, you really have to watch out or you crush the one you love. So, the thing is, in the different personality styles, the different behavior styles, the different communication styles, all the words that I use in my business, literally people speak differently, according to their personality, like strong and straightforward and direct.

  Or they speak very little. They don't tell you what their thoughts are. Just like you're talking about emotion. They don't talk about their emotion, their thoughts, or how you're making them feel or, and they don't fight back. So they don't say anything at all. So there's a couple of different personality styles that don't say anything at all.

  And eventually they will just either fold. You know, it's like you either hold and keep going and taking it or you fold and you leave and so learning to speak to each other. If you are married to a soft, easygoing person, and my best way to describe them is, and everybody hears this when I say it, they're a person who always says yes.

  I mean, like, we all like to be told yes, right? No, of course. I love to get my way. Absolutely. So we like to be told yes, but that person, if they tell you yes, all the time, listen to them, pay attention. Do they ever tell you no, do they ever fight back? If they don't, they're probably this easygoing personality and security is important to them and they don't fight back because they just don't want those vibes.

  So I just. They don't, they don't do that and so it's important to pay attention because if this is the case, if you're too strong or too direct or too critical, any of those kind of things, you start to literally crush that person and it is the person you chose to get married. You know, it is the person you chose.

  So, Tiffany, my thing with you is that you are so So strong and so direct and so straightforward, but you are a thinker. And I think in this world today, there's so many people out there just following another person and not really paying attention to thinking for their self and you're like all over that.

  Yeah. I mean, I love, I love to use my own thought process. I love to come up with ideas and I love to share them with Adam because in this world, I've got people I work with. I've got people that are hired to work with me and they're a business partner in that respect. But my number one teammate in my life is Adam and I don't.

  I almost don't do anything without consulting him first. And I always want to know what his opinion is. Most other people I'm like, your opinion is none of my business, but his opinion means everything to me. If there's anyone on this planet that could crush me in an instant, it's him. For sure. He has that kind of power and I go deep into my feminine energy with him.

  Um, I will become the damsel in distress with him. Um, I will, I will allow him to save me. Although I'm capable of doing it all myself. Um, I want him to save me. I want him to change the light. I want him to. Um, and I'm going to talk a little bit about, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, We operate in a partnership.

  Until we've come to an agreement that, okay, this is your thing, like the budget, that's his thing. I don't touch it because I don't want to. And then, you know, homemaking stuff, parenting stuff, generally he, he parents, but he leaves a lot of that decision making to me. Like homeschool. He's like, that's your realm.

  You make decisions. I trust you. So let's talk a little bit about trust because that seems to be lacking in a lot of relationships. Um, and there are 1, 000, 001 things you can do to erode trust over time. So I would like to hear more about. How do couples establish a baseline level of trust that extends past, uh, the, the check in, the I'm going to follow up with everything you've done.

  I'm going to redo the dishes because I don't like it. Like, that just says, I don't trust you to get the dishes done, right? Or I don't trust you to make decisions, um, without, you know, a four hour long consultation. So how do you establish trust? How do you maintain it? And if people were to lose it. How do you reestablish that again?

  Oh, my gosh, Tiffany, you say so much and it sparks my brain every time you're saying so much I think of a million things while you're talking and I bet you're the same way. So, I want to go back again and we'll go to trust and teamwork and then getting it back. If you've messed up, right? That's what you just asked me on that.

  But, you know, uh. Each of us having our special spot in our marriage is so important. And sometimes we take away, um, our spouse's strength, whether it's a man not paying attention and given appreciation for what the woman's doing at home. Or of the woman, uh, not paying attention and allowing him that space, because you have purposely allowed your husband, even though you're a super strong woman, you purposely allowed him to feel important.

  Everybody has a sign around their neck. And it says, Make me feel important, husbands, wives, kids, friends. I mean, everybody has that sign around their neck. And so for that man, when you allow him to be the strong man that he is, because let's face it, like, you know, I'm 5 foot and there's a lot of stuff. I can't reach certainly can't lift, you know, 200 pounds.

  There's all these different things. In fact, my husband and I just bought a camping trailer yesterday and, uh. He took care of all the logistics of the camper and drove it home, and we could feel the weight of that camper on the back. And if I would never do that, it's like, not my forte. I'm a thinker and a talker, but I am not that brave person who drives a 30 foot camper behind the truck.

  And you can feel that thing back there. Yeah, so. You know, he, he takes care of me. He opens the door. He, he, he physically takes care of me. I love that. Just like you said, and when we allow our husband to do that, maybe that starts to bring some trust because he has a purpose. He has a direction. He can do something for you.

  And, uh. I mean, there's no substitute to appreciating each other and allowing each other to operate in your strengths and that's lost. So often these days, because I'm sorry, but women's live, you know, everything has a place there's the far side that is not working out. So good. And then there's the other far side where it's being overdone right in the middle.

  Right? Right in the middle, so when we talk about trust, some people are more trusting than other people are. Some people are non trusting, absolutely non trusting. Sometimes people are non trusting because they've been, uh, they've had things happen to them and so they're less trusting. Sometimes they've been brought up with specific ideals or stuff happened when they're a kid or a mom or a dad left when they're a kid and that trust level goes.

  Continually through their life, unless they stop to think about it or think what's causing trouble, um, sometimes I've even had that because I was raised with don't trust everyone. Don't trust. Think about this. Think about that. I remember whenever my husband and I were dating and, um, I remember, um. My sitting on the steps, you know, that went upstairs so I can remember exactly where I was because it made a difference for me.

  And I still remember it. So I'm sitting on the steps and I'm talking to my boyfriend who is now my husband. I'm talking to my boyfriend and, uh, he's going to meet up with somebody that was a friend of his from, uh, years ago. And, you know, we were, we were teenagers and, uh, my mom said, as I was getting off the phone, she says.

  Yeah. You know what that friend is. That's another girl. That's an old girlfriend. Yeah. And that's kind of things that cause doubt in our mouth, in our mouth, in our, in our mind. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I did, uh, say that to, to my boyfriend and she was right. Yeah, she was right because, you know, we do know a lot of things like as moms, but, you know, he's like, well, it was nothing, but, you know, he met up with her and it's an old girlfriend and so that kind of stuff really compounds that doubt and that lack of trust.

  But when we have lack of trust that pours into our relationship and weakens it and weakens it and weakens it. And I remember seeing a good friend who questioned everything from her husband because that was her personality style and she had like a trust and eventually there was a divorce. And I remember whenever I heard that, I was like, uh, I've got to get a grip on that.

  You know, being suspect of everything and not trusting. So there's something I call deposits and withdrawals, and it's literally in every relationship. And when it comes to you and your spouse, literally for every withdrawal, which might be, uh, you didn't quite tell the truth or you didn't do something you said you would do.

  Um, there is a withdrawal from that trust factor and it takes like three or four. Positives deposits to make up for that withdrawal, because let's face it. We remember negative stuff way longer than we remember positive stuff. Right? Well, like not telling quite the truth sounds almost like you're a little bit pregnant, like, no, you either said what was true or you didn't.

  And for me, there is lies of omission. Like if you just straight, didn't tell me something. On purpose, because you didn't want a reaction, or you didn't want to deal with whatever the fallout was. Those are lies of emission. You still lied. You did, nothing came out of your mouth, but that's the problem.

  Something should have come out of your mouth. And when it comes to trusting another person with your own emotions, and your own level of personal respect as a human, like. I will trust you with my heart, but my heart also means you're not meeting up with other women to have any other conversations, you know, and like, like, listen, my husband lives primary, you know, half the time on an airplane with mostly female staffing.

  I mean, most flight attendants are there. And there was one instance where a flight attendant, he still says, no, that wasn't what was happening. And I'm like, yes, it was. You're just. Way too sweet to understand it, but she, they, let me tell you a quick story. Story time. All right. So I'm spilling some tea here.

  What happened was she was at the bar and he went up there to get his to go order the food, to take it back to his room. Well, she was playing the damsel in distress and was like, Oh, you know, first officer, so and so this guy over here keeps like coming to talk to me. Can you just hang out here and have a conversation with me?

  And, you know, maybe he'll go away. And Adam's like. Okay, so he stands there and talks to her for a minute and she's like, wow, thanks so much. And he's like, okay, well I'm going to go eat my food now. It's getting cold. So he starts to leave and she's like, look, I'm really uncomfortable. Would you mind just walking me back to my room?

  And he's telling me the story and I'm like, are you dumb? Like do you not, but he's like, just, you know, hear it out. So he's like, well, I mean, sure. Yeah, I'll walk you to your room. Like make you, I want her to feel safe. I don't want her to feel like she's going to be taken advantage of. So they get in the, they get in the elevator.

  He walks her back to her room and it's like, okay, you know, bye. There you are. He turns around and leave. She's like, Oh, uh, what, what room are you in? You know, just, just in case. And he's like, Oh, three 52 or whatever. He's like, he's quite literally thinking nothing about this because his brain is not tuned into, I think I have an opportunity to cheat on my wife.

  Like, that's not where his, his brain was. So he's like, oh, that's my room number. You know, there's also security. You could call them. So he gets to his room. Ring, ring, ring. She rings the phone. And she goes forth to like, Oh, hey, blah, blah, blah. Just wanted to thank you so much. And he's like, Well, you're welcome.

  Okay. Bye. See you tomorrow. He hangs up the phone. Okay, she gets the picture at this point that Guy is not not cheating on his wife with her like she is going to bed alone that night So how I know that that was the ploy That was her objective. She ended up having a massive level of respect for him. She went to the chief pilot's office when they returned from their trip and told them what a stand up guy the first officer was, that he helped her in a time of need, and that he made her feel safe.

  So it went from I'm going to cheat with this guy to, dude, this guy is not cheating with me. What an amazing human. And she went and told the chief pilot, they wrote up this awesome report, called him in and was like, we want to give you, you know, all of these words of affirmation about what a great person you were on this trip to help protect another, um, another teammate.

  And that's where it ended. Wow. What a story. And that kind of shows that. Quite often a woman like that who wants And likes, maybe she's taking a tally of how many, uh, married man she can get a, you get a hold of actually, she really doesn't want to see that. No. And so even though she's broken in some way to even try, but I mean, I'm, I'm just, I'm grateful.

  He shared this all with me. And then, you know, a week later he gets called in. I'm like, Holy cow. She actually, like I knew, and he still says that's not what was, I'm like, yes, it was. Yeah, it was. I agree. Listen, you listen to this podcast, baby, you know exactly, two women are agreeing like that was the objective.

  Absolutely. Sorry. That's just not, that's not him. That's not him. So that level of trust, A, he told me about it and yes, there you go. He told me if that had happened and he never told me about it, for me, that would, that would have. sewn a level of distrust that would have been hard to make up for, right?

  Because let's be fair, I can't validate a single doggone thing when he's flying all over this country. I trust that he says what he's going to do and he means it. And I trusted him the day we said yes, 18 years ago, that we would honor each other's hearts, that we would continue to do that. And I believe we've done that really well for our entire.

  So Tiffany, think about the ways, what's a few ways that he showed you and, and helped you build up that trust? Think about that. Uh, well, gosh, I mean, first off, he's just never lost it, right? Um, I came into the marriage with a lot of trust baggage and I put a lot on him in the beginning, like a level of distrust that he did not earn.

  And I think that's crucial is you have to understand with your partner, did they earn that level of distrust or is that from you, if you are, if that's a mirror and you're just putting out the level of distrust you have in yourself and you're putting it on them, like that's a, you problem, you better fix that because you're going to break a damn good man.

  And nobody wants that like, trust there is 50 other women who would snatch him up in a heartbeat if I were to discard that man, because he is truly a gem among the male specie. So, like, take note, ladies, you need to figure out whether he earned that distrust or whether that's coming from you. Tiffany hit that on the head of stopping and saying, did he earn this?

  Has he really done anything or is this just my own insecurity? Right, right. And just because you can't validate, um, or invalidate anything, well, first off, why do you feel compelled to either validate or invalidate what he's telling you? Where did that come from? Did he earn that? If he didn't, you need to turn that right back around and look at yourself and you need to do some reflection and quite a lot of personality work.

  Okay. So So I want to say that so often, if it is the insecurity thing, cause everybody's not like you, there's a lot of insecurity and lack of confidence out there with women. And if it, if it's not his fault, and if you really asked yourself that question, then do something ladies to build yourself up, fit, keep your cup full, learn something new.

  Um, I even have this book and it is called. Attitude is a choice. So pick a good 1 because when we start to focus on negative, negative, negative, we'll start to get negative. So, we really need to pay attention and focus on what's good. What do you like about your husband? Instead of focusing on. Your insecurities.

  I like to say sometimes it's like in our head and I have a lot of talk in my head. I don't know about anybody else, but usually the talk in my head is not lifting me up. It's tearing me down and I have to fight that. Oh my gosh, I think there was some statistic that said 80 some percent, maybe even the 90s of the things we say to ourself are all negative.

  So, I mean, when you talked about, you know, building yourself up. I think you first have to understand what your own value in the world is, right? Like, I know that he's a high commodity item, okay? I don't know if he knows that about himself, but I know that objectively. And I also know that I am a high commodity woman.

  So I am not, you know, why? Why is that? Well, I know that I'm smart because I continue to educate myself. I know that I am attractive because I continue to work on that. Right. I use great skincare. I eat really well. I exercise. I know that I'm as fit as I can be. There's a caveat for six months postpartum with my seventh.

  Kid, like I'm as fit as I can be right now. I am doing the very best that I can do in every area of my life. I continue to work on my mindset. I continue to work on how I talk to people. I work on my business and Oh, by the way, he, he actually finds my business prowess, incredibly sexy. He's like, Oh my gosh, this level of achievement that you run after her.

  He's like, that is so attractive to me. I was like, really? I had no. idea that that was a level of attraction for him. It is, he's like, I love to see, I love to see you crushing it out there. That is amazing. And for a weaker man that would, Oh, that would put him on the D in a hurry. He would be like, Ooh, yee.

  She's encroaching upon like, okay, here we go again. Let's get some introspection going on. What is it that you are so darn insecure about that? You can't handle a woman who is high achieving, attractive, driven, outspoken. Like you. on yourself so that you can get up to her level. That way you guys are like, you're awesome partners in this life where you both are crushing it, you both are working towards this mutual level of attraction with each other.

  Um, like that level of magnetism in your life, like. It can be there, but it has to first and foremost, in my, in my opinion, start with respect. And I see a lot of that lacking. So I'm going to tell you the one, Oh, go ahead. I was going to say your keyword was magnetism. We can't, uh, we can't attract anything with weakness and building up ourselves, becoming as confident as Tiffany, you know, building up ourselves and becoming that confident that's magnetism.

  We attract. We want to attract our husbands. So that's exactly the thing. Um, and if we are untrusting, unconfident, low self esteem, then we're not going to attract because nobody, nobody is attracted to that. So you have to build yourself up in your head. Well, gosh, and the poor pitiful me saga, like God shelf it already.

  Like, what is it done for you? Really? Like put it, I get it, man. I've been through so we have that. We all know I ever. I think everyone's got a little bit of a sob story somewhere, but I mean. Who cares like really who cares a lot of people have had trauma they continue to Most every kid is gonna have to be like well, this wasn't ideal in their life I've been through a lot of stuff as a kid like stuff that would derail most people in their life and end up Either landing them dead or in prison.

  I've been through a lot. I don't use any of that as a reason to be any kind of way other than I'm going to be the very best that I can. Everyone's got a story and yours just really doesn't matter that much. So put it to the side and start focusing on who you can be the very best that you can be in a relationship instead of using those deficiencies as reasons to derail your entire relationship.

  Both business and personal. Absolutely. All right. So here's a phrase I hear a lot when I work with women primarily, um, because I don't, I don't know that I've heard a man say this. Um, and if he did, I'd be like, Ooh, uh, but it would be interesting to hear a man say the same thing. Um, he won't let me spend money on X, Y, and Z.

  He won't allow me to blah, blah, blah. When I hear that y'all, my skin crawls, I get heaviness in my chest and I'm like, I'm sorry, what? Is he, is he your dad? Are you 14? Like, what happened here? I thought you guys were in a partnership, not an overbearing, you know, daddy complex. What is going on with that dynamic?

  All right, Tiffany, we're going to go back to personalities on that because I remember my parents and not that my dad was overbearing, he's pretty easy going, but you know, he kept control of the money and my mom basically kind of asked or had to get approval and their relationship was there, you know, good.

  They'd been married over 60 years, but there is a time whenever somebody comes to resent that. And so when you do have that firm control, it might be the woman controlling that, you know, like, actually, I took after my dad and I did a little bit of that where wanting to make sure the bills got paid and we had enough money for stuff.

  And so I became a little controlling on that. And my husband is easy going. And so he, he let me do that. So my mom let my dad do that, but, you know. Like I said, she became resentful for that and life is a partnership, but it doesn't happen automatically. Some people have witnessed their parents working together in every situation or most situations.

  And some have not. And that is how people tend to. That's what they tend to bring forward in their own marriages. Now, if you have two people who've been, who are in charge, they're going to butt heads. It's like we talked about before. They're going to butt heads for power and for control. And they're going to have to figure out how to divide that up.

  You know, you, what are you good at? What are you good at? And that kind of thing. But the fact that some people say. My husband won't let me do that. There's two different things on that. There's number one, my husband won't let me do that, or I don't want to do that. And I'm using that as a cop out. Yeah, there we go.

  Ding, ding, ding. Connie nailed it. I think more oftentimes. Um, it's probably, I don't really want to do that or, uh, and then I'm going to use him as a scapegoat. Um, and again, it's like, oof, time to work on yourself here, lady, because you need to learn that no is a complete sentence. No, I don't want to. Thanks for the offer.

  Like, why are we I have trouble with that, actually. Like, well, practice it. You got to look in the mirror and practice it. This is walk around all day long saying no. So, um, I did hear you say, well, you know, my parents had a good marriage. They were married for 60 years. My immediate thought on that was, well, length of time doesn't always dictate goodness, richness in a marriage.

  So folks, when I, when I hear control doesn't Equal or managing rather, because like I said, I let Adam manage the finances. I'm pretty sure I use that word because I like to stay away from the word control. Um, because a, I don't like that word as an Enneagram eight. I don't like the idea of ever being controlled.

  And in fact, um, I work really hard to not control other people because by default, that's what I want to do. I want to control everything around me. Um, however. Be careful with how you delineate these tasks in life, because if you say I give you control over that, control enters the equation of dominance and And, uh, the end of the conversation starts and done, it starts and ends with the control.

  If you say, um, he is managing that part of our life, that means, yes, he has some degree of control when it comes to how are we doing with this stuff, but he is just managing it. He doesn't have the end word. So be careful with those terms, my friends, control and manage. They are not the same. Okay. I'm going to introduce another word.

  Take care of the one person takes care of the laundry and one person takes care of the, the paying the bills. And, you know, uh, some families, Tiffany put their money together, you know, and other families keep it separate for, and contribute, I guess, in the middle. I'm not sure on that. Um, and so. Talking about it with your spouse.

  You know, teamwork, figuring out what's the best way for us to manage this, but sometimes people won't talk about it. Well, and that's ridiculous. You guys, you have to talk about all the things like, okay, here's my guilty pleasure. Here's my admission is I like to watch the show. Love is blind. Okay. At the end of the day, after I've worked, I put the kids down.

  I love to get a glass of wine and then watch these train wrecks try and like meet each other. And do you know the premise of the show, Connie? No, I want stuff that's positive. Okay, so I'll surmise this, is these people have never met. They're talking to each other through a wall. Well, they agree that someone's going to propose to somebody else, um, and within like six days, and then they're going to meet each other, and then they're engaged, and now they're trying to work on a So the, the basis of the show is they're trying to see is love blind?

  Can you fall in love with somebody on an emotional level just through conversation before you even see them? So what they look like, you know, has no impact. Well, it definitely has an impact eventually. But I watched this because, you know, I actually did some self examination. I'm like, why do I enjoy watching these guys?

  I enjoy watching how the dynamic of relationships unfold, and then I like to see who's working on what, where do they come from on this, um, where did they start, how do they work through it, because, like I told you in the beginning, I love relationships, and I love to see how that particular relationship, because it's a social experiment, okay, there is no proven track record that love is actually blind, there's been a few couples that have stayed together, but, um, For the most part, this is something I enjoy watching because I enjoy relationships and I like to see the dynamic unfold.

  I think about relationships and I was thinking about earlier with, uh, before we started today and when you were talking about, uh, health and I'm sure that is with food and eating good food. Do you know? We have relationships not only with people, but with food. I have a relationship with food and exercise.

  How about you? Oh my gosh, yes. I see food and exercise as medicine. So it is oftentimes not something I look to for enjoyment, right? I'm like, where can I seek pleasure? Outside of X, Y, and Z. Mine's food. Well, yeah. Okay. So, fun fact is I had a woman just complete um, around in my program and her object, her objective of starting the program was not to lose fat and build muscle, which is primarily what I do.

  I coach women to do this. That was not the reason she joined. She joined because she said, I want to change my relationship with food. I want it to become a nourishing, uh, source of fuel for my body, not turning to X, Y, and Z because it makes me feel some kind of a way I want to feel good and I want to use the food as fuel and right now that's not my relationship with food.

  Of course, fat loss was the result. Um, although that was not her primary objective and I thought. Wow, that was incredibly interesting and she like sent a picture of her belt, like all cinch tight. She's like, well, I didn't come here for this, but that's what I got. And she's so happy about it, but it did. It changed her entire relationship with food.

  When she had a regimented approach to understand balance on her plate, how exercise can work for your body. Um, and that there was no, whenever one of my clients say. Oh, I'm gonna, I, I had a cupcake. I'm gonna make up for it with, I'm like, stop. We are not making up for anything. You own that cupcake, girl.

  You enjoy it. You are not going to do 35 extra minutes of cardio to punish yourself for eating a cupcake. Next time you decide, because you did decide, You weren't walking around the kitchen. It's suddenly a cupcake flew into your mouth when you were least expecting it. Yes, it does. They do not have a mind of their own.

  Connie. I know people like to be like, I don't know what happened suddenly. And I will do this. Okay, here you go guys. Health coach, full admission. I will buy a bag of chips. I did it just the other day, bought a whole bag of chips. And I looked at that bag and I said, I'm going to eat every one last one of you.

  And I'm going to love every second of it. I'm in the car by myself. I've got a kombucha. I've got some tunes going. And I'm going to eat this whole bag of chips, and I'm not going to think a thing about it. And you know what? I ate that whole bag of chips, and I loved every second of it. And did I crash myself?

  No. That is what was important. You decided in your head, there goes that head talk again, and you decided. I'm going to eat all these. I made a decision to do it and I'm going to love it. I'm not going to beat myself up for it. Right? Not even close. Now, am I going to make that same decision every single day?

  Of course not. I do that probably once every two months. I'll make a decision that could arguably not be a good one, but for me, my mental health, it's a good decision for me because I love chips and it makes me feel. Like, ah, this sense of relaxation and calm when I can own that decision and say, I'm going to do this and I'm going to own it and I'm going to love it.

  And then I'm going to get right back onto the plan to be in whole foods and no, you know, inflammatory oils. I'm going to make that other decision. You can make multiple decisions. People would make them every single day. Are we going to turn left? Are we going to turn right? Are we going to yell? Are we going to be in calm?

  Like you make a million decisions a day. Have that also be one of them. So, gosh, I feel like we could quite literally talk for hours and hours and hours about relationships. Especially me, because, so let's end it on this. Because we talked a lot about personality, and I mean, I get it, everybody has personalities, but I am definitely more on the line of thinking that your personality can't dictate the choices you make.

  Right? They influence them, however, at the end of the day, you have a choice. And I know who I am inside and out, and left to my own devices, if I were to make decisions based solely off of my personality, they would, by and large, be pretty detrimental to almost every relationship I have. I know that, which means I know how my default setting is, I change it like a thermostat on the wall.

  If it's a little too hot, Tiffany's coming in too hot, I turn down the thermostat. I say, okay, how can I come in a little bit slower? My approach right now, like I'm, I'm flinging up here at a hundred RPMs. I need to bring that down to about 70. All right, how can I backpedal a little bit? And really, include your brain into everything you're doing and do not act emotionally.

  Like, I don't typically react off of emotions. I'm not a reactive person. I am proactive, which means I think about things before they happen. And if I need an extra second, I'll say, I need to think about this for a minute. I need you to give me give me five Give me five minutes and then I need to step back.

  So I know there's personality So what happens with this and let's be honest if you chose somebody like you knew who he was before you married him You don't know Well, okay, sure. Maybe with Love is Blind, you actually don't know them, right? It's been six days, and sure, you've talked through a wall, but that, that whole thing to me is just kind of lunacy.

  Nonetheless, if you didn't know them, like, how would you, that leads to a whole other chain of questions, right? And I just don't believe people change that much. I believe there's, you all, most of the time you knew exactly who they were, but those red flags, you were like, I'm not going to see them right now because I have some other unmet need or unfilled desire that you choose to not see that kind of stuff.

  So again, use our brains here, folks. If, if someone is, is some kind of a way you knew that. Can I give you three things on that? Do it, do it. And we're going to end with those three things because I could go off forever on this, I think. Absolutely. And me too. Well, the number one thing is Tiffany is special.

  Tiffany stops and thinks. Tiffany, she learned to use the pause button. She learned to use the pause button. And so instead of getting mad or upset or that emotion getting the best of you, she learned to use the pause button. And so, you know, John Maxwell has a book, it's called. Thinking for a change and if people would do that and they would start stop and think instead of just responding so quickly, a lot of arguments wouldn't happen for couples.

  But there are three things that really contribute to every relationship. And Tiffany, I know here I am talking straight to you, but you are an overcomer because we talked, uh, on a prior podcast before and I got to really know you on that and you're an overcomer. Everybody doesn't have the strength that you have.

  They don't write girls. I know you're out there. You don't have the strength and you're like, wow, if I could be like Tiffany, but it can be developed. I think it can be learned, be developed. But I remember years and years thinking, oh, if I could just have that drive and determination, but I'm gonna give you three things.

  Number one, people don't always act exactly the same. Even outside in public, more or less in their home in their relationship. So whenever you are dating and even engaged, sometimes people, certain styles of people, certain personalities are holding back a little something that they know if they're holding it back, they know that it is, uh, not something people look for in a great relationship.

  So they hold it back because they don't want you to see it, but then you get married. So here's what I found. So often. Most people do bring their past, whether it is good or bad, and everything that has happened to them, they bring it into their marriage. Unlike Tiffany, I say again, who is thinking all the time, analyzing, making changes.

  She's reading, she's listening to podcasts, she's growing, and you can make changes. If you are aware of the problems and the challenges, because when you bring your baggage in, there it is, and most people don't pay attention, they're not like Tiffany number two, personality, Tiffany, it does have a big thing because either people, um, top emotions, crap happens.

  And they're angry or crap happens and they withdraw crap happens and they're optimistic and they just ignore it and keep going, you know, just move past it to better things. Personality does make a difference in our emotions, how we listen or don't listen to others, how we make decisions. So let's put the 2 things together.

  Your past and your personality, they decide your perception and most of the time when we're having an argument or a disagreement with people. Hey, this is even political argument or just a disagreement. People is the person that each person's past and their personality. It's how they analyze information is how they look at it.

  It comes from our family backgrounds. But Tiffany, you've overcome that again. I have to say, you are an overcomer. You are in the, I don't know. I couldn't even say 1%. You're probably like, in the 0. 1%, the 0. 5%. I don't know. But most people are not as strong and proactive as you are. But what you do is you lead by example and we all want that.

  And so we, we can't get it suddenly. It is a bite by piece and bite by bite thing. It's a journey. It doesn't happen overnight. Right? Oh, for sure. It's years, years that I have worked on myself too. And I think you, I think you nailed it with the personality is a lot of this is. You need to know who you are, like, who are you?

  And that's why I'm a huge fan of the Enneagram test. And I think you have a personality test available for people, right? So actually the Enneagram is one of the very oldest that actually came back into fashion in the last years. But I love the DISC, D I S N C. Um, I find it simpler to understand and quicker to grasp.

  And so that's what I use, but all those tests like that, they are all similar. They all, they get, they're given different names, but they're all very similar. And I studied that in 2004 and immediately I was so intrigued with it because I've always been a people person, a relationship, a relationship person.

  Um, and I thought, wow. The difference that can make for people, and it is at this time of my life that I've taken that, um, not just from, because it, it's good in business to how to relate to your clients and your customers, how to treat your employees so that, so that everybody works better together. So, learning those communication styles in a marriage, it helps you in your marriage.

  It helps you with your children, your children who are not just like you, you may be button heads with your kids who are just like you, or you may be crushing your child's confidence and spirit because you're a very strong person. And and so understanding that kind of thing. It also helps you at work. It helps you understand your boss.

  And it's, um, I like to say that thing, uh, is it me? Am I causing a trouble? I always look introspect and if I can't find that I'm causing the challenge, then I know probably the. The challenge is coming from the other person, and it's just figuring out what is causing the trouble the past, their personality, their perception, how they see things.

  Some people won't talk about anything. And some of us talk about everything. Yeah, well, that's perfect. I think we need to link the disc into the, uh, into the notes section of this podcast. We're also going to link where your podcast is, your website. Um, is there anything going on right now for you that people could get hooked up with if they're like, all right?

  Guy and I, like, we need to, or gal and I, like, whoever, whoever your partner is, um, like, we need to do some work. Uh, first off, I think you need to work on yourself first. I don't think you can work, uh, on a marriage until you work on yourself. But This isn't a journey that can be done alone if you're in a marriage, like you do have to work with each other.

  So, you gotta work on yourself first, but if they need help with their marriage, because that's primarily what you do, right? Where would they go and how would they get hooked up with you? Well, um, the best place is my podcast. The Extraordinary Marriage Podcast on Spotify, Apple, and Google. But you can go actually to my page, the extraordinary marriage.

  com slash podcast. At the bottom of that page, you are going to find a recipe for a happy, healthy marriage, because you know, it's usually just what we do not know that is holding us back. Um, and there's a, there's several free things there at the bottom of that podcast page. Plus you'll find all kinds of topics, um, that can help you develop a better relationship.

  That's awesome. So thank you. Thank you so much for carving out some time to come over here and talk about relationships with me. Um, I love it. It is definitely one of my greatest passions is developing great relationships. Um, and I think we have two different methods of doing that, right? Um, we have way too like totally different thought processes on it, but I think at the end of the day, we are both wanting the same result.

  So I think everything that you can provide for my audience to better their relationships. Is only going to enhance what they already bring, um, and what they love from me. So it takes, it takes all kinds, right? There's all the colors of the rainbow and it needs all of them to sit there and look beautiful.

  So thank you. Speaking of beautiful, you look amazing. Thanks for being here. I appreciate your time. Thank you, Tiffany. You're always a joy. All right. Until next time. Ciao.