Episode 39- Mom Guilt Much?
Since returning home from our trip to Utah and starting to plan our move out west, the kids have had mixed feelings about our impending transition.
This could lead me to feelings of mom guilt as I wonder things like, "am I doing the right thing?" "is this the best decision for our family?" and so on. But the truth is, as moms, we're all just doing the best we can.
It's easy to let society's opinions about how we should parent and raise our little people affect the decisions we make and our own feelings about our choices, but I challenge you to stand firm in your beliefs and release the mom guilt that can come so easily.
Because when we our feeling guilt, we are no long flourishing or growing, and that is not a good place to be as a mom, wife, or business owner!
My new website is LIVE! I worked with Maggie Schneider from Hilltop Help and will be updating the blog and website more frequently during our move and cross-country road trip with 7 kids! Be sure to check it out: tiffanywickes.com as well as my YouTube channel.
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Mom guilt is so real. It's like this rite of passage for moms that no matter how amazing we are and no matter how much effort we put into it and how much we care about our kids. Like, we're not doing enough. We're not doing it right. We're wondering if we should have even done it at all. This is Tuesday Nines Podcast.
I am your host, Tiffany Wicks, a mom of seven, who doesn't subscribe to the idea that you have to choose between your family and a career. I am on a mission to show the stay at home mom who has lost herself in childcare in Coquemellon And the overworked corked holdout who isn't finding joy and purpose in their career that they can work for themselves Making an impact in an income that serves your dream life.
After leaving my nursing career to raise our family I needed more mental stimulation, but didn't want to give up the privilege of raising our legacy I've been in network marketing now for five years. I know the strategy and mindset Set it takes to be successful and to live a life aligned with your values and your purpose.
Join me as I share my business tips, marketing mistakes, attitude shifts. You need to space out some time for you or ditch your nine to five completely and start working for yourself. You have the power to change your life. Let's get started. This is just the beginning.
Welcome back to the podcast. This week has been. Eventful. In the respect that ever since we announced that we were moving to Utah, there's been a lot of questions, a lot of like, mm, you sure you know what you're getting into? Um, from other people, and I get it, you know, there is, uh, we are a Catholic family, and the It's actually not the largest population, but there is a large population of LDS, um, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.
And there's, you know, quite a few fundamental differences between the two faiths. Um, I am perfectly open to being friends with. All kinds of people. I already have friends that are all over the place. But, um, it prompted me to order a book, um, and start learning a little bit more about the LDS faith. So that hopefully we can draw some parallels in who we are as humans going through this whole human experience.
But the biggest shift, I guess, has been my kids. My goodness. Um, most of them are kind of excited, a little scared. But a couple of them, like, are really kind of beating us over the head with the whole move. Um, my daughter revealed to me that she thought, That by the time we got home from the trip and we kind of settled back into the Atlanta area that we were going to be like, Oh, yeah, you know, we'll just, we'll just stay.
It's a little bit, a little more pain to move and to uproot and change everything that it would be to just stay the same. Uh, that couldn't be more true. Of course, it absolutely will hurt. Um, while we're going through it, it's going to be a lot of work to sell this house, buy a new house. Figure out what we're keeping, what we're selling, what we're throwing away, get it all in a U Haul, try and figure out the dynamics of moving a 115 pound dog across the country to cats that are not car trained or kennel trained, for that matter.
They're indoor outdoor cats, man. They spend their days chasing rats and climbing trees. So now we're going to shove them in crates and drive them all the way across the country. Yeah, there's a lot of pain that's about to happen with this. Our littlest is only going to be like 9 or 10 months old. When we leave.
So car seat, car seat, anyone for six hours a day while we drive for multiple days on end? No, none of that sounds fun. But just like entrepreneurship, like we do it because we know that there's going to be, or at least we expect that there will be a payoff on the other side of this, right? We're willing to work harder for the gain that is on the other side of the pain.
You can't get the gain. Without the pain, generally. Childbirth is the exact same way. There is no pain free way to go through birthing a human. But why do we do it? If we were to look at just having kids objectively, why would we have any more kids? I mean, they're loud, they're obnoxious, they're annoying sometimes.
Downright infuriating other times. They make tons of messes. They cost a lot of money. Most of the time, they're screaming in your face. Or even as teenagers, defying most everything you say to them. And you're like, why? Why do I pour so much time and energy into something? This human that seems to reject me at every single turn.
I say that as I have this sweet little baby sleeping on my chest. He's different. Okay. He's not yet three between the ages of like three and maybe 21. Uh, it seems like they are just, uh, they're just a lot of work. These humans, however. There's also a lot of joy sprinkled in there, but the prevailing, um, emotion, I don't know if 90, the 90 percent solution is just joy because in my house, I've got kids from every age range and someone is pushing against the grain in some way, every single day.
It's been sort of a charged Sunday over here. I'm recording this on a Sunday. Um, it will launch a few days later, but it's been a charged afternoon. I mean, we've got one kid pushing up against, uh, And then we've got another who's still going off about how, you know, everything's going to be horrible in Utah.
And, you know, we've got the other ones who are like, Oh, we have to do homeschool tomorrow. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, if we could just get to a place where everybody is just having an open mind. But I mean, these are children we're talking about, so. The thought of today really is about mom guilt. I mean, mom guilt is so real.
It's like this rite of passage for moms that no matter how amazing we are and no matter how much effort we put into it and how much we care about our kids, like we're not doing enough. We're not doing it right. We're wondering if we should even, should have even done it at all. I mean, and to, to make things worse, like society will love to shame moms, no matter what choice we make for our families.
So. You give, uh, you move your kid across the country. You shouldn't have done that. They were already established. They're going to need therapy. I mean, you give your kids some screens. They're too young. You shouldn't have it. Um, you take away their screens like, Oh my gosh, you're so strict. Why you got to teach your kids how to live in the world.
You let your kids eat junk food. You don't care about their health. You don't let them eat junk food. You're being way too rigid. They're going to grow up and have an eating disorder. Um, so, you know, what about homeschooling? Oh, you homeschooled. Your kids won't be socialized. Like how horrible is that? You put them in public school.
Like how dare you put your kids in public school? I mean, they're going to turn out to be a bunch of heathens, um, who. Piss and litter boxes in the corner of hall a you work in your business. Don't you miss your kids? You're taking time away from them. You spend all your time with your kids. It's aren't you gonna lose yourself of self identity?
Like you shouldn't invest all of your time in them because they're gonna become spoiled like You are damned if you do you are damned if you don't and no matter what we choose It is never going to be good enough for somebody Okay, and maybe Maybe if you aren't convicted in your own choices, it's not going to be good enough for you either.
So if the thought of leaving your kids to attend to a little bit of cocomelon for 45 minutes so that you can write some copy or, you know, post online or connect with somebody you're coaching it like if that doesn't lead you, um, to. To this absolute, like, existential crisis, then, you know, maybe, maybe it would be okay.
Maybe you could shelf the mom guilt for just a minute and say, you know what, they're going to be all right. Because truth is, kids don't need you every minute of every day. In fact, you can screw up 70 percent of the time. I saw, I saw a statistic, you guys, that said this. You can mess up 70, 7 0 percent of the time and get it right 30 percent of the time.
And your kids are still going to love you. And they're still going to be. Just fine, emotionally. You can also be completely involved with a kid and then they will turn out complete disasters later on because they're independent, right? So, I mean, I've, I've heard from other women that they've been told that they travel too much as a mom.
Like, who's watching your kids? Well, their father. It's called parenting, not babysitting, by the way. Um, well, how does your husband feel about this? Well, I'm, I'm guessing if you're going, then he's at least somewhat supportive of you. And if you guys have a relationship where you each have a personal identity outside of your identity as a couple and your identity as a parent, then those different parts of you should also be celebrated.
Kind of like a rainbow, right? There's red, orange, yellow, green, blue. Like you should celebrate all the different colors and their uniqueness of the rainbow. Well, moms are the exact same way. We women have multiple parts of who we are, like who I am in the sheets ain't who I am in the streets. So I can celebrate the different parts of who I am and not, not necessarily have to have this guilt associated with any of them.
Okay. And that's the message. That's, that's what I want to get out today. It used to bother me, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I still experienced to some degree mom guilt, but for the most part, I've put that to the side because I'm a great mom. I'm doing my best. My kids are mostly happy, but I do have teenagers.
So let's just put a caveat with there. If you have teenagers, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Um, that there's almost nothing you can do sometimes to make them happy, but. I know who I am, I know why I'm doing it, and I have confidence in the reasons behind it. And almost none of them are selfishly motivated.
Now, now, I will submit that you could make an argument that me being in business alone, because I have said multiple times that being a 100 percent full time stay at home mother didn't So I wanted to seek something outside of that, that felt like it caressed the, the edges of who I am, right? The red, orange, yellow, blue, like the different colors of my personal rainbow.
That I wanted something that helped shape that, envelope it, like support it, scaffold who I am as a human. You could make the argument that that indeed is selfish. Because I am taking myself away, but is it really? Would it be more damaging to my kids if I was angry while I was trying to be a 100 percent full time parent?
Because, oh, it is so frustrating and so difficult a lot of the time. You could also strike the argument, and you know how I know you could, you could put up these arguments, because I've quite literally said them all to myself already, is, well, then maybe you need to change your attitude. Maybe you need to find more joy in exactly what you're doing.
And leave it at that. Okay. Well. I did, uh, I really, really did. But I kept finding myself, my, my brain being pulled other directions. And since I am a woman of faith, I 100% believe in prayer and I believe in guidance, and I truly believe that I have been pulled towards this coaching business and to help change people's lives for the better.
Help them live a healthier life. I am being called to that for a specific reason, because I am multi talented. I am able to coach. I am able to have a business. I am also able to homeschool my kids. I am able to be a great wife. I am able to do all these things, but I don't need to do them all 100 percent well, right?
And neither do you. So if you are just hanging around with that sense of mom guilt on your shoulders, being like, well, how could I selfishly, like my kid asked me to push her on the swing yesterday while I was in the middle of a deadlift, I was like, no, I won't push you on the swing right now. Mommy. I'm working out right now.
This is the time that I have set aside to work out. If you think that's selfish, then you probably need to do some self examining and then work through that on your own, because it's not selfish to say, I'm going to take this time for me. God knows kids do it all the time. Don't they? Do we call them? Okay.
Well, maybe sometimes I do call them selfish, but not little kids, but they have just, they're. Programmed and required by their own set of circumstance of just being three, right? Like it is her personal requirement to take things for herself and use it. And yes, as a wily feral child, you have to help mold them into socially acceptable norms to some degree without breaking them.
Like you want to bend them, right? They can't just run up and grab a steak off of someone else's plate and start eating it. They would be kicked out of the restaurant. So you've gotta curb that a little bit. Well, that's all we're doing is we're teaching them that it's totally fine for you to have time that's set aside for yourself, that you have space for yourself, but it is also, there's a time and place for all of it.
There's a time and place where I'm gonna set aside for them, and I'm gonna give it all to them, all of it. And somebody could say, well, you're not giving your business enough if you're giving it all to them. Well, listen. You can prioritize and compartmentalize each section of your life, and then that priority, get this, get this, the priority can shift.
It has to shift. Think about when you have a brand new baby. Do you think my priority when I have a brand new baby is to meet the sexual needs of my husband? No, that is not my priority as a brand new birth mother of a newborn baby. My priority is to feed the baby, keep them safe and close. And to have my milk come in, your priorities will shift when that is no longer the priority, your milk is fully established, your body has healed, you guys are connected emotionally and physically, then your priority is going to shift your, your no longer, you know, hopefully, um, you're no longer just satiated sitting next to one another on the couch with your fresh little infant.
Now, hopefully the desire to be together has come back and Your priority has shifted. My priority to keep my three year old safe from harm, harm she's likely going to inflict upon herself because she's wild. It shifts. I'm no longer trying to keep my 16 year old son from drowning in a pool because he knows how to swim.
We've, we've covered that. So now my priority has shifted to help him learn how to, like, don't take drugs, and all the other things you teach, you know, young adults, and using alcohol when you're 16 is not a great idea, all the things, so. The guilt moms feel is not required to live a fulfilled life. If you are feeling guilt, that means you have done something wrong that you need to atone for.
You need to own it, and you need to say, I'm sorry, and you need to work to make it right. What is there, what deadlift that said, I'm not going to push you on the swing right now? What is there there that I should feel guilty about? Absolutely nothing. You're looking for a different word to express an emotion that shouldn't be guilt.
Because guilt is, I've done something wrong. I am wrong. Well, I am wrong turns into shame. So if you carry enough unfounded guilt most of the time, that will turn into personal shame. And shame is the absolute nail in the coffin to most anything that progresses your life forward in a positive way. Okay, body, shame, you feel guilt over eating the cake.
Okay, first off, you don't need to feel guilty for eating a piece of cake. It is a piece of cake. Now, if you're eating cake all day long, that becomes a lifestyle. You're going to feel guilty about your whole life? Well, then change it! Geez! If that's how you're living your life, where I just feel guilty over everything, then you either need a whole lot of internal work about how you're living your life, or you need to change your life.
Okay? Live it a different way. If that's how you're going through your life is feeling guilty. I will refuse to feel guilty about anything that I sit here and ask myself these questions. Was this wrong morally, intellectually, physically, was any of this actually wrong? If it isn't wrong, then guilt is not the right word.
We need to put a different word. Sadness could be a word. Resentment could be a word. Relief could be a word. Do you know how many people have had to end relationships, and they're like, I feel guilty because I ended this relationship. Well, is guilt wrong? Really what you're feeling like you were wrong to end that relationship.
No, I mean, it was a relationship that needed to end. Okay, so maybe you're not feeling guilt. Maybe you're actually feeling relief and you feel a little sad about that. Okay, that actually might fit a little bit. When I travel for work and I go to a conference, I don't feel guilty about leaving my kids at all.
I feel like I miss them. I feel like on some, you know, when they say, Mommy, please don't leave. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong by leaving them because I have connected with that part of myself that says I'm actually better for this, and I know this is tough to see mom go, but, well, actually it's not tough for my kids to see me go.
I think they're actually happy when I go because they get daddy full time, and daddy full time is like, Survival mode for him because he's not used to having all the children by himself. He's like, okay, we'll have pizza this night, spaghetti this night, like whatever is simplest. And that's fine, you guys.
I'm here for it. Exactly. Like I said before, it's a moment. That is not an entire lifestyle for him. But when you're not used to taking care of any amount of children, let alone as many as we have, like, you're just gonna let that fly. So, we're here to talk about mom guilt. We're here to crush the mom guilt, unless you legitimately believe that what you have done or are doing is morally, physically, psychologically wrong.
If it is not those things, neither of those three things Come up with a different word and then work with that emotion. Don't fight it. Don't keep walking around like mom guilt mom back hashtag mom guilt. I mean, it just becomes annoying when you hear that over and over and over again. You're like, okay, can we please break this down a little bit and find out if guilt is really what you, you know, is really the right word here or, or here it is, rather than go off on a tangent about all of your emotions surrounding what you're doing, either make peace with them or change it.
For heaven's sakes, can we talk about something else? Talk about how you're making moves forward to help change the lives of your kids. How about talk about how you're going to afford those piano lessons that they love taking? How about all the lacrosse supplies that they have to have? That stuff is expensive, okay?
And your kids need to know that. They need to know that you're working and sacrificing for them. Now, Be careful with that because you don't want to saddle them with some unfounded guilt, meaning they think they are wrong for consuming those resources. All right. You've got to be careful with that one too.
I want you to know that I am happy to sacrifice for you. I want you to know that I work hard for our family and that I'm happy to do this. And like I told my son this morning, I said, all I'm asking is for a little bit of gratitude. And he was like, yeah, granted you deserve that. Dang right I do. So no more mom guilt.
If you've got it, you need to investigate it, you need to turn it around, or you need to just squash it completely. All right, no more, none of that, because guilt is not an emotion that equals flourish and growth. And that's what we're here for, right? We're here to grow, we're here to flourish, we're here to do things better, even the 1 percent better today than we did yesterday.
So, here is, uh, cheers to that 1%. Uh, that's what I'm gonna be working on this week, and I hope you do too. As always, please follow me on Instagram. If you haven't yet gone to my brand new website, I'm gonna put it in the show notes for you. It is tiffanywix. com. Um, I think it turned out beautiful. All of my things are all in one spot now.
So that's the central hub. But make sure you're following me. Uh, watch my stories. My blog is gonna start blowing up. And oh my gosh, my YouTube channel! You guys, there are videos on the YouTube channel! More! So if you haven't gone to YouTube and checked out our channel over there, do that. My 12 year old son is actually in charge of that now, um, which is pretty awesome because he knows how to navigate YouTube and he is going to be filming our entire moving adventure and then putting that on the channel as we go through it.
So moving with seven kids across the country, that should be a really fun vlog and that will be his summertime activity is like, dude. Here's a computer, here's the phone, go at it. Like record our whole journey. He's got, you know, iMovie, it's going to be like very basic, you guys. This is a 12 year old, not, you know, a trained like YouTube professional, but I think it'll be a fun journey.
Let me know, please DM me on Instagram. If you're going to follow the entire sale to the purchase, to the travel, to all the things in the middle. I can't wait to take you on that journey because I think it's gonna be epic and I hope it won't epically suck, but even if it does, it'll make a cool story and probably great video.
So let me know if you're going to follow along. And as always, thank you so much for being here. Make sure that you share this, please. Um, it doesn't grow unless people share it, share it, tag me, tag a friend. Say, Hey, listen to this episode. It was awesome. And if you have any suggestions, I check my own DMS.
I do have a few people working with me, um, but they don't do that. I do that all the time. And when you're chatting with me is legitimately. Me, you're talking to. So with that, have a great rest of your week and I'll see you next week, my friends. Ciao.